Society doesn’t make me insecure.

Society Doesn’t Make Me Insecure

“Want to write a good essay? Blame society on something.”

This has been my motto for writing my essays in nearly every class since freshman year. Sounds predictable right? Well teachers eat it up every time. Because everybody wants to blame their problems on somebody, and what is better than blaming it on society.

Society is this giant thing that we all yell at but seem to forget that we are included in. This post isn’t about going Gandi and being the change you want to see in the world, but rather about how society actually isn’t the reason I am insecure.

Sure, it would be easy to say seeing all those skinny supermodels makes me strive (and starve) for physical “perfection”, but that isn’t true. I can flip through a magazine or see a movie with a gorgeous model/actress and walk away and eat a pizza. No guilt. No I wanna look that unrealistically beautiful thoughts.

What makes me fight with daily insecurities is my peers.

Not society.

I have been the “fat friend” for the last few years in my group and that, THAT is detrimental. Seeing my stick-thin friends complaining because they are now a small instead of an extra-small kills me. When all 100 pounds of them sits there complaining about how fat and ugly they are, that makes me throw out my lunch. Knowing that I am so physically inferior to the girls I see everyday is part of my insecurity.

Maybe that could be cured if I didn’t hang out with such gorgeous girls (They are certainly above average)  but I couldn’t do that. I refuse to sink to being that shallow. I would never stop hanging out with my funny, smart, and sweet friends simply because they are prettier than me.

However, anyone who is or has been the “fat friend” or “ugly friend”can vouch how traumatizing it is.

But there is something even worse than having thin, gorgeous friends:

Teenage boys. 

Sitting here I can’t think of a friend or even acquaintance who has never had a boyfriend or had a guy have a crush on her. And as far as I know I repel all men. I have never had a boyfriend and I don’t know of any guy having a crush on me.

And I truly believe that is what caused me to suffer with minor eating disorders and major insecurities.

Now, before everyone rips into me for being a shallow, immature teenager, please hear me out. Try standing in my shoes. Having all of your friends get asked to prom, and you doing their hair and taking pictures for them as they pose with their dates then going home and crying because you were the  ONLY ONE who didn’t get asked.

Imagine watching again and again as your friends get boyfriends and have guys chasing after them and you being the only one who doesn’t have that. Imagine sitting in the classroom watching as the guys in your classes flirt shamelessly with almost every girl except for you. Imagine your male friends telling you about how pretty X girl is and Y girl is but never you.

That is what hurts the most. I am reasonable and intelligent enough to know that my self worth should never be measured by anyone’s judgement, especially teenage boys. But it still hurts knowing that I am the “ugly/fat friend” and that no guy finds me attractive enough to show any interest in.

If you read my last post you know that I am changing and becoming more “attractive” by societies teenagers standards but I still have a long way to go. But I just wanted to show another point of view. How society and the media doesn’t make me cry myself to sleep, it is my pretty friends and knowing that to any average teenage guy in America I am not worthy of their attention. I am not looking for pity, just to inform.

Sincerely,

KS